Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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