i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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