dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
