There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
