i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
