I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
