just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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