wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
