Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
