Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I deserve this hangover.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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