I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
