Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
