So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
