Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
