Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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