You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
