Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
