Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
