the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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