Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
