shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
