I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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