I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
