New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
