You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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