Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
