I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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