A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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