Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
