we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
