I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
