WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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