my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
