Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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