he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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