Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
