Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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