just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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