there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
