I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
