i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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