You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
