So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
