I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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