Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
