I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
