If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
