Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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