I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
