We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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