I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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